Second Best

Things didn't work out, so you call your "second best." He/she is the next best alternative, sort of like being crowned the first runner up - good but not good enough. He/she may not be "Mr/Ms. Right" but they are your "Mr/Ms. Right Now" and to you, immediate gratification will suffice. 

Perhaps they're your substitute, possessing similiar traits, but lacking in others for you to realize they aren't the first, the original.  Perhaps they're entirely different, allowing you to observe all the characteristics that set them both apart.  You use them as a safety net, as if their existence in your life provides you a buffer from falling and hitting the ground. Their adoration for you serves as a security blanket for your heart and yet you're too focused on healing to realize the selfishness of the situation.     

Expectations

"That’s the problem with expectation (particularly the type beyond your own control); it can lead to disappointment. I hate to say it, but even when something brilliant happens, if you were expecting it, you won’t be nearly as elated as you’d have been if you were blindsided by it. We overestimate our pleasure and pain when we have time to forecast things.  When unexpected surprises creep in (both the magical and menacing), we feel things more deeply.

But how do you avoid having expectations? Realistic or not, they’re still there, with their own pulse, and what do they add to life, aside from a clear declaration, even if only to yourself, of how you’d like to be treated?  I’m not talking about the goals we set for ourselves: losing weight, improving the time it takes to run a 5k, not biting your nails (hey we don’t all have lofty goals).   When we tote around Expectation, which I think is more exacting than its vague and fanciful sister Hope, we see life as a series of losses. We taint what might have been a memorable experience with the expectation baggage we manage to check on our flight.  And believe me, there’s a reason there’s an additional cost for extra bags: we pay for it in the end."

A Good Feeling

A couple moments ago I took 30 mL of Nyquil and now I feel amazing . 10 minutes away from having great sleep and I am in front of the laptop on Imeem and writing a xanga post. Forget the phlegm and hacking cough I've been dealt with these past few days, when a girl wants to write, she finds a way... even if she is drugged up and fading into a semi-concious state.

The other day we sat with a wine director and he was talking about his experience and it was so eye-opening to sit in front of someone who knew SO much about something - his passion, confidence and knowledge of his specialty was extraordinary. It made me think about my current situation and perhaps that is the reason why I haven't made strides to figure out what that next step for me is - b-school, other opportunities or future career planning at my current place. I know I'm not the best analyst/associate we have at work but others may think so and their opinions of me have weighed heavily on my decision to stay... to know your knowledge of something is respected and sought out is a great ego-feeder. It is like, why would you want to leave if you have something good going on here? But something tells me it does make sense to leave...

Other Nyquil induced thoughts... if the label doesn't say "non-drowsy," am I to assume that it is will make me drowsy?  Have you ever sat in the card aisle reading rows of card in the attempt to find the perfect one - or one that will not send off the wrong message... I did, its pretty difficult. Do you think people that go to therapists go because they don't have people in their lives to talk to or the people that are in their lives don't offer good advice? I understand seeking professional help may be more beneficial in the long-run but maybe they just want to go to someone for advice that is a third party that doesn't know them and won't judge them? If you add a space in therapist, you get the rapist. If you haven't tried tomato basil Wheat Thins, try it! If you haven't tried Imeem... try it. If you haven't listened to Timbaland's remix of One Republic's, "Apologize"... listen to it. That's all...

Not-So-Secret Smiles

I thought of you tonight while brushing my teeth getting ready for bed. It was one of those passing thoughts, triggered by nothing in particular but just the thought of your smile which made me smile, despite my mouthful of Colgate. It is such a simple gesture - a smile. 

Someone mentioned to me that I should find some sad sap so I could bring sunshine into his life but that's what I've been doing most of my life. Your smile is my sunshine, as cheesy as that sounds. You're my constant - a staple 5 days of my week and I find confort in knowing that. Are you smiling because we share this secret? Perhaps you're smiling to convince me to smile back, but you don't realize I don't need much convincing. Any "it" is not yet tangible but I wish I could let you know that thinking about "it" makes me return the smile back at you.

Adorable

What a looker...

Change of Scenery

The bro and I are moving into a brand-spanking-new apartment complex on top of Emeryville's Bay Street in May. Not bad for having walked in the office one Saturday and signing the intent to lease an hour later. I'm pretty excited to move for many reasons:

Change of Pace

Tis the season of bonus payouts and raises which leads many in the office to re-evaluate short and long-term career moves. There is much buzz about each individual's stake within the company and naturally, of internal equity differences, but at the end of the day, I'm ecstatic about the outcome and my place here.